Fleece- A Poem

I see the woolen fleece

     pulled over my eyes,

     meant to blind those who see

     and hide a lifetime’s lies.


I feel the woolen fleece

     smothering my voice,

     brought to muffle begging pleas,

     leaving me ner’ words nor choice.


I hear the woolen fleece,

     deafening our cries,

     woven to destroy our beings

     and ruining our lies.


I fight the woolen fleece,

     tearing away its binds,

     born from the truth we seek

     and the pain we survive.


I burn the woolen fleece

     that crushed our souls and pride.

     Ashes fall, but rage- it screams-

     and we fear will never die.


There is no more woolen fleece

     to leave us deaf and blind.

     We left to find our peace

     and start our own lives.


But . . .


I recall the woolen fleece,

and how its grip was tight.

I wont forget want it needs

or why it skews our sight.


-Kassidy Turnpaugh



Without Pause

I got my 5th job of the year in October and have since been working 8-10 hour shifts as a waitress five days a week. 
Today, after 4 days  10 hour+ Shifts in a week,absolute exhaustion has finally taken it’s toll on me.

I’ve spent the last three days in a complete haze. 

The problem with adulthood

Growing up, life is easy for most kids. You go to school, you make friends, you eat sugary goodness and chill out while people cook for you. The biggest worries you have as the typical kid is whether or not recess will be canceled and when your next cootie shot will be.


Circle, circle, dot, dot. |courtesy of cohesioncompany.com

Of course as many an adult or blossoming young adult has come to abruptly realize, life is a mean bitch and likes to spit in your face. 

Once you have left home for the first time, whether it be for college or to escape your parents’ hitler-like grip, you probably have a roommate. 

According to Hollywood, there only two kinds of roomie: the dream come true and the spawn of satan. While the good vs. evil trope isn’t completely wrong in this case, there is a lot more to consider than whether or not your roommate typically shits in the tub or brings you cookies.  

Regardless of the living situation you are forced into, the hardest part of adulthood may just be developing a social life. 

As a child and even in college you can make friends through school classes and clubs, but as an adult you don’t have these conveniences. 
Of course working is always a source of people but more often than not your probably honing to work with a bunch of turds. 

Additionally, while college destroys the age barrier, work rebuilds it ten fold. When there is 35 years and three kids between you an each of your coworkers the only “hang time” or “friendships” you’ll be developing are more than likely going to be as a babysitter. 

So, how does a young adult make friends without seeming like a desperate stalker?

As far as my research has found and general observations have concluded, there is no right way. 

Asking some to be your friend sounds so sad your own eardrums will weep. Trying to join a group is pushy and everyone will hate you. And the website, adultfriendfinder.com is not intended to make any kind of friends you would want to keep. 

If anything, trying to make friends just makes it even harder to relate to people, because suddenly you’re that wierdo without any friends. And no none wants to hang with someone without friends. 

It’s a paradox and at thi point I’m beginning to believe that no adult actually has friends.  It’s all just an illusion that no one ever bothered to let the rest of us in on. 

Of course if someone does has the perfect formula for scoring some righteous buds then, for love of god publish that shit at the low, low price of $19.99 and make some sweet as infomercials so that loners everywhere can learn. 

The long road

It is never easy to make a decision like dropping out of college.

The idea spawns thoughts of a minimum wage job at a burger joint and gathers disdain from all angles. Even when the only bank account drained is your own everyone acts as if you own them a chance to give you their two cents.

The answer is always the same too, simply put just, “go back to college.”

No one ever considers that a triumphant return just is not an option at the moment. Money doesn’t grow on trees. Schools don’t offer free tuition. And scholarships aren’t allotted to those who have struggled academically.

In my case I spent my entire life savings on my first year of school. I haven’t had a consistent dime to my name since and every penny I earned went straight to my education.

My struggle to find a place in the world of academia combined with crippling loneliness and chronic depression led to my ultimate downfall.

So now there are fewer options than ever after being drained of all energy and financial independence. Every person I meet tells me the same thing: “Go back to school. Finish your education.” Yet, while everyone seems to have the solution to my o so simple issue, no one wants to fund my return to school.

Life is not nearly as easy as everyone leads children to believe and the older I get the more I realize absolutely no one has any idea what they are doing.

Of course things seem easy looking back on them. Hind-sight is 20/20.

Of course I know now that if I was going to succeed in school running off to a university at 17 was the worse way to go about it. If I had known then what I know now, I would have realized I wasn’t mature enough for school. I would have seen that a year off isn’t the end of life, despite what many a high school teachers may say.

But it’s impossible to change the past so I’ll leave it at this:

1. Finding yourself, and understanding the challenges that are inevitable in life are two of the hardest things you will do in life.
2. Realizing the kind of kid you are and the kind of person you want to be are the biggest steps you can take trying to survive.
3. College isn’t for everyone and while it certainly does help in modern times, that does not mean you cannot succeed and be happy without it.
4. There is no shame in taking a year off.
5. There is no shame in earning any type of living despite your education status.
6. Everything is going to be okay, this isn’t the end, it is only the beginning.

A funk like no other 

I have been depressed before. Hell, I’ve had to deal with different bouts of depression for as long as I can remember. This just happens to be the worst case I’ve ever had. 

A lot of people have told me over the years that it’s all in my head. That I need to just stop being sad. That I should just chose to be happy. But that’s just it. I know it’s in my head and I try to be happy but there is no happiness. There is no light, there is no reason.

I know it’s in my head, but everyday I wake up and all I can see is nothingness. There is just this empty void in my chest and it is eating away at me. 

Moments of joy have become forced. I know it’s in my head but everytime I look at anyone I feel them hating me as much as I do. I feel the never ending hollow just crushing me. 

I want to be happy, I really do, but I just can’t. 
I’m not too proud to admit that I need help but I know what happens when people hear these thing. They want to institutionalize you. People hear the word depression and immediately think that the only solution is a mental hospital. But I know what happens to you in a mental hospital. 

They lock you away with people too insane to function. They take away your ties to the outside world and shove pills down your throat. They hold you captive and take away your humanity then call you crazy for staying depressed. Once your humanity is gone they blacklist you from your dreams and throw you back out on the street an empty husk too afraid to ever ask for help again. I know what they do if you admit that you’re depressed. I know what they do in asylums. 

So I’ll just stay quiet. I’ll just be sad to myself. When people ask what’s wrong I’ll say nothing. I’ll tell them that I’m fine. I’ll tell them what they want to hear, because I know what happens to the people who ask for help. 

Really, I’m just fine. 

A new style

This is a new style I an trying out. It is inspired by Archer and binge playing the Wolf Among Us.

I dub it GermanPoetryGeek.

In honor of my fabulous Secret Santa.


Growing into Westerns

Javier Bardem portrays a ruthless killer on the hunt for an East Texas man in No Country for Old Men (2007). | Still from cinematography. Courtesy of Roger Deakins in conjunction with Miramax Films, Paramount Vantage, Scott Rudin Productions and Mike Zoss Productions.

Javier Bardem portrays a ruthless killer on the hunt for an East Texas man in No Country for Old Men (2007). | Still from cinematography. Courtesy of Roger Deakins in conjunction with Miramax Films, Paramount Vantage, Scott Rudin Productions and Mike Zoss Productions.

Growing up, I recall my grandpa watching quite a few Westerns. I was never captivated by them as he was. It could have been because of the lack of color, or the story lines too complex for a child, or it could have been the fact that they were not cartoons. Of course as a child I cared for nothing if it wasn’t animated.

Nowadays my tastes have finally evolved enough for me to enjoy the type of adventure that can only be provided by a Western. Whether in the format of modern film, old school movies, books or even the more recent animated film, I have definitely learned to appreciate a heated desert battle in the middle of the baron Texas wild.

Starting with the film No Country for Old Men (2007), I was immediately enthralled. The portrayal Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) was absolutely spot on — something I didn’t realize until reading the book a little later. The entire film was absolutely chilling and a piece of art that I just could not take my eyes off of.

Prior to being introduced into the wonderful world of cowboy outlaws I have only seen a few other films that fall into that category. One of those was There Will Be Blood (2007). I had somehow managed to avoid any and all spoilers for six years and was taken aback by the film. It caused me develop a deep appreciation for both Daniel Day Lewis and Paul Dano. Seeing the explicit and gut wrenching violence up to the final moments of the film, for a lack of a better term, blew my mind.

I had also viewed the animated film, Rango (2011). Until recently though, I wasn’t aware of how amazing this movie actually is. Being able to recognize the classic tropes found in a western, such as the endless struggle for power, the violent climaxes and the dirty (literally) back story helped open my eyes to the truly incredible modern and childlike spin put into a classic tale of the good triumphing the evil.

Overall I am just excited to have a new found love for an entire genre of movies I had never been properly exposed to before.

ext up on my watch list: 3:10 to Yuma (2007), True Grit (2010), and Django Unchained  (2012).